Positivity
"ALS wins by wearing you out. It's relentless. Like a lonely cricket behind your dresser on a peaceful summer night... Sometimes, I win though." #Positivity
10 Reasons I Smile...
I
No one wastes time filling you up with false hope. When you get cancer, everyone’s like, “Dude, you can totally beat this! ” My doctor looked me straight in the eye and said, “Well, sh*t. It’s ALS.”
II
“Society expects nothing of you, except bitterness. I was once acknowledged for demonstrating ‘tremendous courage’ for simply existing. That’s pretty cool. Later, you realize they’re honoring you for the sh*t tsunami that comes next.”
III
ALS conveniently disguises your genetic predisposition towards slothfulness. I haven’t bathed myself since 2013. Plus, I’m usually busy looking up chainsaw mishaps and fruit tree-grafting techniques on YouTube.
IV
My in-laws are very competitive. In a good-natured sort of way. For awhile, even suffering was a form of competition. At this point they can manufacture whatever ailments they like. They know I’m totally #Winning. And I know that they know I know.
V
“Even pre-Covid, people softened their take on my anti-social tendencies. Remarkably, my prolonged silences perpetuate the idea I’m thoughtful, as opposed to genuinely disinterested.”
VI
I usually get a good parking spot. Not so much at Wal-Mart, church and Red Lobster. Every single miserable sonofab*tch at Wal-Mart has some bogus affliction that only presents in parking lots.
VII
In-laws are reluctant to leave me alone with my nephews. I don’t know what that’s all about. ‘Keep away from Uncle McGreasy,’ they loudly whisper. As if I’m also deaf and don’t have feelings.
VIII
Southwest Airlines has a secret designation called LD* (Legit Disability), which affords me the opportunity to board before the degenerate WalMart-fakers and snot-nosed kids.
IX
Ironically, people with ALS can immediately detect when you’re only pretending to understand them. I’m not judging. I did this all the time with Barry. Nodding (in fake agreement) doesn’t work, so try a well-timed “I see…” or “That’s fantastic!“
X
Unlike alcoholics, people don’t really hassle you about your disease. My wife never says, “Where have you been all night? Drinking with your ALS-buddies, you paralyzed sonofab*tch?” RIP, Mitch
